Heyo all^^ being busy once again sucks, especially with a few deviants I have on watch who have posted a whole lot O.O I still yet have the time or energy to try anything, and even worse I'm too lethargic to even say a single thing about any of those works.

For now I still have to push on though. A major cause of this "sapping" of my mental energy is problems concerning girlsXD Original eh? More or less it's a combination of realizing what I want, how those wants seem to screw me if I try to chance getting them, and worst of all my conscious. I keep approaching myself trying to convince myself that at least if I know I have no chance I should try; isn't that what people are supposed to do? There are even some days where I've gotten damn close to finally getting rid of this tension, but then I think. Although it's well and nice to do the right thing, try things, always give something a chance, how does that work in the real world? This is really only a small road block on this problem.

The real one is my values. I have never drank, smoked, or done drugs, I've always treated everyone fairly even if I feel like an ass and really don't care. Any acts such as maybe cheating that I might of done, in the end I feel horrible for, even though the worse I've ever done is copy a huge math assignment that a friend shoved in my hands. One last basic if not one of my oldest values is no matter what, do your best. I always have, even when I feel like or even try to shirk something, I can't do anything else until I fix or finish what I haven't finished.

Now these values have no real baring on the problem mentioned earlier, but they were used as an example to tell what type of person I am. Now what I was getting to is my values concerning whats right and wrong considering the only 2 girls I could possibly have any interest in for strange and odd reasons, which in themselves make me question my validity of being a remotely good personXD is that they are "entangled" with someone who basically in the end is furthest from any good portion of my being. I regret certain things that I did to speed up the situation, that I had them put me in, and even though no matter how I see it, it was a good thing. It makes me wonder though if I had tried to preserve something even longer, that should of been broken just so I could explore other.."possibilities" would that not make me selfish? At this sentence glance it seems to me it does, but when I think about it in my head I'm not talking about using someone and then ditching them for benefits of sorts, I'm thinking if I can keep some sort of relationship with them, even if it's not what was originally intended, and could through a slim chance go down another path that could give me happiness, would it not be alright? Or is that still too selfish? Even if all I envisioned did happen, or still could, would I honestly be able to take away what was in the past, reform it, and then try and rebuild something that is just a shadow of a lost future? Whats even worse is I have no real problem with them doing so.

Going back to the real world thing, if I were to try and talk to them.. more or less I would see nothing but resentment in their face, and if not that confusion for why I'm there. If anything I made them a promise, which in all that I had promise to them I broke, which was quite destructive to my personality since I lost all meaning in my values and character and for the last 26-28 months. Over the course of this time I have patched myself, and now I feel I am a empty case waiting to be re-filled. What I stated I wanted above with the girls is simply.. a dream that I desire to become reality possibly, if I feel like I can do whats needed, and what I need to happens does. What I want first though is to know that all that I did was not for nothing, that all I have tried to do for that person did something just once for them, and most of all I want the knowledge that if I ever talked to them again that I could at least do it in a sense that both me and them had no conflicting feelings, no confusion, resentment, fear, and most importantly no falseness of a person.

Here's a quote that puts this into better perspective "I have to believe in a world outside my own, I have to believe my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe when my eyes are closed, the world is still there. Do I believe the world's still there?"

My world... no matter what I have tried to convince myself to believe.. I live brightly in this depressing world. Even when I forced myself to be continually emo. Which was a emotional-masochist ideal I got that made me think my suffering would be repentance for the person I tried giving so much to. Even now, all I am as a person is a giant question mark on the multiple choice question know as me. I am sad yes, but continually use that emotion to strive forward in small bursts

Anyway sorry for this wall of mostly meaningless textXD, I tend to do this when I mean somethingXD and please excuse retarded sentences and bad grammar. It's 3:36 AM here, which contains two of my lucky numbers so I can only hope this will mean something lucky. This post should of been happier as well considering I'm watching old school, which is an awesome movie. Then again I fear i have divulged too muchXD and now this could turn into more emotional baggage! Yay?! Night to all who'd read this stupid rant!